Always Golden, Always Tender, Always Crisp.

Always Golden, Always Tender, Always Crisp.

Somewhere in the world there is a company that makes schnitzel. Massive amounts of schnitzel roll out of the factory every day bound for bane maries all over the world. The manufacture is completely removed from the animal. No living bovines, chickens or piggies will set foot into the factory. Instead boxes arrive from slaughterhouses and emptied on to conveyer belts that transform the meat into breaded product.

Always golden, always tender, always crisp.

This morning I attended a meeting with the head of our collective departments. It was informal and happened over plates of morning tea. Our boss set out his strategy for the year; more customer focus, better planning with our suppliers and delivery according to strategic goals. Return on investment (ROI) was mentioned a lot.

As he spoke I stared down at a schnitzel sandwich.


The line of the schnitzel within the sandwich was perfect. The meat was no thicker at any one point. The breading was the same size all the way around.

Always Golden, always tender, always crisp.

After he laid out the plan he invited people to eat and ask questions. The schnitzel sandwiches were very popular. I could not help but wonder what the ROI on a schnitzel sandwich would be. Obviously munching down on a sandwich that contained the right amount of fatty joy mixed with crunch and carbs from the bread would spike morale. At least in the short team.

Long term is harder to predict.

We (I talk of the collective we here) had moved the means of production far away from the source of the meat and the consumption of the schnitzel. Perhaps years ago a chef would have spent time going to the meat works selecting the best cuts, using egg, flour and breadcrumbs to make something that may not have looked perfect but tasted good and we knew what went into it.

Now the ingredients to a typical schnitzel look like this:

46% Processed Chicken Meat, Wheat Flour, Vegetable Oil (incl. Soy), Water, Soy Protein, Gluten(Wheat), Mineral Salts, Dextrose, Salt, Vinegar, Yeast, Acidity Regulators, Starch (Wheat), Thickeners, Dehydrated Vegetables (Garlic, Onion), Herbs, Ground & Extracted Spices, Onion Powder, Sugar, Wheat Fibre, Natural Lemon Flavour, Yeast Extract, Natural Colours, Vitamins (Niacin, Iron, Thiamine, Riboflavin, Folic Acid).

Contains: Gluten, Soybeans May contain traces of: Crustacea, Egg, Fish, Milk, Peanuts, Tree Nuts, Sesame Seeds, Sulphites.

Before my fructose malabsorbsion I loved the schnitzel. How could I not? These products have been tested on consumers to ensure ROI. Tasted. Altered. Tasted. Altered. Until the perfect mix was discovered.

Always golden, always tender, always crisp.

The shareholders rejoice as the customers are left incredibly happy. ROI in assured by perfecting the manufacturing process. In a supermarket a schnitzel retails for about 2$ US. Cheaper than the a piece of chicken at equal weight. Certainly cheaper than most fruit and vegetables. Always golden, always tender, always fresh.

And when the bleeding hearts accuse us of contributing to the obesity and diabetes epidemic. We say we are just giving the public what they want.

Always Golden

Always Tender

Always Fresh

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